The Approach of My Angel
In the beginning one of the first things my guardian angel put on paper was a drawing of a heart; from the centre of the heart he drew a rose as though it was growing out from the heart. Then gently and still to my great astonishment he introduced himself as my guardian angel, Daniel. He left me bewildered but with great joy at the same time. I was so happy that I was almost flying around the house, my feet barely touching the ground and I was repeating loudly: "I am the luckiest person on earth, and I am probably the only person on earth who could communicate in such a way with her angel!"
The following day my angel returned to me as before. I spent endless joyful hours communicating with him. Again, the next day he returned, but this time, to my great surprise, he brought with him a multitude of angels of different choirs. I felt that the gates of heaven were suddenly wide open because I could easily sense this great movement of angels from above. They all appeared excited and happy, just like when someone is expecting something wonderful to happen. From the way they rejoiced, I understood that heaven was having a feast and they were celebrating. Then, the angels all together sang in one voice these words: "A happy event is about to come!" I knew that whatever that event would be, it concerned me directly, but, although I tried hard to guess, I could not tell what it was. This chorus was sung all day long, with the same words and only a few minutes of silence in between this chorus. Every time heaven opened, the angels repeated the same chorus.
The first words my angel pronounced about God were the following: "God is near you and loves you."
I must have wounded the Lord very much this minute, because His words had no effect on me whatsoever. When my angel pronounced these words about God, I remember that I thought it was a normal thing for an angel to say, since angels lived near God. I did not reply and my angel did not add anything more.
Only a few days later, my angel suddenly changed attitude with me and I noticed how very grave he became. In a very solemn voice he asked me to read The Word. I pretended I did not know what The Word meant and asked him the meaning of it. With this, my angel became even more grave telling me that I knew very well what he meant, nevertheless, he told me that it was the Holy Bible. I already had my answer on my tongue and told him I did not have one at home. He said that he knew that I did not have one. He asked me to go and fetch one. Arguing still with him, I said that he was asking me the impossible, because in a Moslem country in which I lived then, (Bangladesh), the bookstores did not sell Bibles. He said that I should go immediately to the American School, where my son went, and fetch one from their library. I was debating whether to go or simply stay at home and refuse. The other thing that was embarrassing me was how would my husband and all my friends react to all this. I simply could not see myself standing in front of them with a Bible! Already I was thinking of places in the house where I would hide it, were I to bring one home. But seeing again the grave look on my angel's face I decided to obey him. So I went to the school and saw several Bibles on the shelves. I chose one and brought it home. I opened it to read, just as my angel had asked me to do. My eyes fell on the psalms: I read, but could not understand a single word. This was a sign from God, showing me how blind I was.
My angel came back to me still very grave and reproached me for certain acts I had done in my lifetime that displeased God very much. Then he reproached me of how I had thrown at God's Face His gifts, gifts that He had given me but that I had not appreciated at all.
With this he started to remind me and show me the sins I had never confessed. He showed them to me as on a screen. He reminded me of the event and of how much it offended God. But the most severe reproaches I received were about the rejection of God's gifts. My angel told me that it was a great offence to God to deny and throw away His gifts. He made me see my sins with the eyes of God, the way God sees them and not the way we see them. They were so monstrous that I despised myself while weeping bitterly. This state I was put in was, I understood later on, a grace from God so that I would repent sincerely. I was shown my sins so crystal clear, exposing the interior of my soul so openly, that it was as if I was turned inside out. I suddenly realized how Adam and Eve must have felt after they had sinned, when God approached them in His Light, facing them. My soul was uncovered and at display; it felt naked, loathsome and ugly. I could only tell my angel between my sobs that I do not deserve a decent death, and that being like I am, so utterly wicked, I should die and be cut into small pieces and thrown away to the hyenas.
This purification must have gone on for almost a week. It felt like fire, a cleansing fire purifying the interior of my soul, and it was a very painful experience indeed.